February 3, 2020
-
Pending, Limbo, and other such feelings...
The last few years have been a whirlwind of every emotion you could possibly feel. The most joy of my life, marrying the most incredible human I‘ve ever met, getting to work my dream job every day (at home), planning for an eventual baby (eek!) But man, has it ever also been filled with so much uncertainty — some fear — and some pain. At this point it feels like I have needed to put my (our) life on hold...while we do everything we can to make the most of the last few months of the life of one of my very best friends. Dying far too young — suffering far too long. At this point I’ve been afraid to plan our delayed reception because I know myself well enough to know I won’t be able to peel myself out of bed when my friend dies, no matter what plans exist. None of it will matter. I’m afraid to try for a baby yet because I am so terrified of the toll this loss will take. There is so much guilt with being the person who is left alive when someone dies so young. He‘s younger than I am. It breaks me just thinking about what is now just a matter of time. I don’t know how to handle this...but really...does anybody? Does anybody know how to best handle your closest friend dying? Cancer isn’t fast, it’s slow, it’s painful, and it’s beyond raw. It‘s dying too soon, and it’s absolutely horrific to watch to be honest. And so here I am, in this space, because quite frankly I’m already mourning...but it is not time yet. But I’m scared too...and I’m not ready.
